My name is Hazlan Zakaria
my father was Haji Zakaria Haji Man
and my mother is Hajjah Rohani Ahmad
I was born in Malaysia
the country of my birth
to the race of Malays
in a multiracial land
with Chinese and Indians
I grew up friends
in all intermingled
a melting pot
cultural potpourri
but the best of course
is the confluence
of the arts culinary
the precursor to my generous belly
I began my life in Anak Bukit
the royal city for the state of Kedah
impatient to start I was born on the steps
of my grandparent's house as literal as it gets
quite a ways from the roads to the royal palace
sharing a hometown with my country's great
I trod upon the same grounds as Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamed
my hero and Malaysia's Prime Minister once
a paragon of leaders and respected still
this state was also the home
to Malaysia's father of Independence
the Great Tunku Abdul Rahman Putra Al-Haj
a right royal prince
and a prince among men
or Bobby as he was known
by his fellow law students
and football buddies
while he studying in merry old England
Following my parents
I then lived in the state of Penang
once known as the Pearl of The Orient
taking my first steps upon this earth
learning to argue and mastering my girth
meeting my kiddy girlfriend at kindergarden's door
Allison I think was her lovely name
kiddy love if there ever was one
also had my first shiner here
a black eye that hurts as hell
given to me by a big bully boy named Johan
a name that until now I still remember when
we later met on in high school
I was larger and he was two thirds my height
about half my size a pint-sized guy
I could have crushed him there and then
a whimsy dream but I am not really into violence
unless really really pressed in advance
but then he could have been
a Karate black belt that could kick my shins
glad I never tried but I sometimes dream that I did
Then once before my late father passed
we took a trip with our entire family
on a pilgrimmage we took a trip
to the desert sands of Saudi Arabia
Visiting the holiest of Muslim lands
to the holy cities of Medina and Mecca
visiting the Ka'abah the Earthly House of God
the one built by the hands of the Prophet Ibrahim
at the sacred mosque of Masjidil Haram
to Masjidil Nabawi the Great Prophet's Mosque
and then on to Prophet Muhammad's tomb
contemplating my faith I walked through the dunes
of the deserts at the fields of Arafah
where the multitudes of faithful high and low
shared a tented landscape on a barren plain
a mirror of things to come in doomday's eve
at the endings of time in the Mashar plains
it was also here that I had a taste
of the written word and the fountain of knowledge
starting out as a very very curious child
I was asking questions and questioning all things
my father gave me three sets of encyclopedia
as a means of silencing my running mouth
Charlie Brown's Children Encyclopedia was the first
such a joy to read!
the second was the Children's Encyclopedia Britannica
nice but just whetted my appetites
finally my ticket to legends and tales
the Encyclopedia Britannica's full alphabetized set
I was in seventh heaven until I read the last page that is
of course then my father got me my own library card and thus it began
first the trips to school libraries then on to the district and on to state
the world of books and knowledge galore
then on I became a citizen of knowledge
my love of reading grew as well as my thirst for information and trivia
I stayed in Penang all through my years
six in primary school and another five in high school
learning all I could and travelling all around
trekking with the scouts or cycling with my friends
I was a debater and a performer of sorts
shining on the stage of public spectacles
chairing meetings masters of ceremonies
giving speeches loving public speaking
I even sang in the choir though no Pavarotti I was
acting in sketches and dramas I enjoyed the scene
a high school prefect I also became
heading the Beaureau of Investigation and Information
kinda like the disciplinary beaureau
handling spot checks and misbehaving students
but in all a sportsman I never was
the athletics clipboard I often hold
volunteering so as not to run the rigors
though to my surprise I did represent my sporting house
in shot putt and tug of war
as well as chess my favourite non computer game
and then an exam I had, SPM
or Malaysian Certificate of Education
getting good results a scholarship I won
and then off to college I went
To the great state of Pahang then in turn
the home of the great rain forest and Malaysian National Parks
to MARA Community College for my associate degree
it was a wonderful time a bachelor's dream
living on my own and with friends on a whim
learning the trade of scholar and computer schemes
as a peer counselor I was trained
a surprise even to me it seemed
but then I was roped in into the counseling club
more for my management skills rather than emphatic trims
to act as president in official matters
rather than things emotional and more personal
but my greatest thrills my greatest spills
is the time I spent with the English Society
an anomaly it seems
for my major is Computer Information Systems
and my Associate Degree is in science
but a great time I had therein this language club
chairing the Talkshow Unit and helping in our many many shouts
my English major contemporaries always had a grudge
held against me for in english lit.
public speaking and other english courses
I sometimes got the better of their grades in standings and classes
I certainly topped the charts in TOEFL
taken for my application to US colleges
scoring the highest in my class of Fall '94
In the fall of '96 I was accepted into the states
gaining a junior year entrance to the University of Miami
at the lovely town of Coral Gables
in the wonderful tropical state of Florida
apartment number 407 SW 74th Street
Sunset Square Apartments FL 33143
managed by a kind soul named Milo
was the domicile I had then
sharing with my distant uncle doing his masters
and a roommate who was a fellow graduate
from my days in MARA Community College
upon the wings of mighty Boeing
I flew on to this my next stage
leaving my country for the first time
on my own and somewhat alone in a distant land
this was when my moniker of Baronhawk was born
started out as my America On-Line screenname
it ended up becoming my nom de guerre in other things
I used it I think for all my web personas and online stints
in the online worlds of Ultima, Neverwinter Nights
and the tales of Dark Sun
except for in TechTV.com where HoraBorzaZorbul is my name
I was always a fan of hawks those deadly raptorial birds
and I got to know this movie from long ago
starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Rutger Hauer
along with the antics of the young Matthew Broderick
Lady Hawke was the movie's title
I fancied my self as the great Lord Hawk
alas that name was already taken
and I was left with Baronhawk
but in retrospect with no regrets
I made a really really good choice
quite as good as my choice of university it seems
the Sun Shine Uni. was quite the place to be
then land of endless summer not quite! mild winters do arrive
but babes in bikinis is still plenty all year round
quite a distraction but it made things great
I made some new friends in the thick of things
meeting with caucasian Spanish and Latin Americans
Afro Americans too as well as fellow Asians and some Europeans
an American lady aspiring to be an important government official
a German lady taking Nuclear physics her accent was sweet
an exquisite south american lady equestrianne extraordinaire
enough said I had a trip and quite readily had a treat
in the land of pink flamingos of Crockett and Tubs
MAC-10s Uzis strip clubs and South Beach big bikes
Coconut Grove nightclubs Saw Grass strip malls
Dadeland computer superstores Florida Keys hot spots
I was there too when that Versace guy was shot
not that I really cared for much just something to tell
the news about Princess Diana also hit me while here
it hit me hard I was a fan die hard
on a lighter side I also followed the tales of Tiger Woods
in his glorious win of the US open
sadly I even got to see two friends to prison sent
one guy got a gun and went to ask this girl why she did not love him
people always thought that I would be the first to be taken down by SWAT
I may be no redneck but a gun toting militia dude I was almost one
too much fascination with guns
bombs and stuff from the anarchists' cook book
but he beat me to the punch to that front page spread
the other tried to rape his own girl friend
needless to say he soon got to know that the state can press charges
without the victim's consent sexual assault and all that
I also came face to face with the problem of youths with drugs
thankfully I was never tempted to try out it never seemed cutting edge to me
but on coffee black and cherry cola coke
kosher hotdogs and Subway subs I was weaned
if any regret do I have it is that staying so close
to Busch Gardens, Disney World and Universal Studios
I never did sneak a peek too fascinated by the things on internet
three whole days straight I did sometimes spend
in front of the computer I vegetated for months
but I did get a trip squeezed in just before graduation
up north the east coast to the cities of Pennsylvania and Washington
visiting friends and seeing sights we were even stopped thrice
by cops looking for drugs, Florida Tags, foreign drivers enough said
nothing major but I hate the drug sniffing dogs wet nosed runts
then into the heartland did we turn into the great expense
of deserts and farms on lonely lonely drives through empty interstate towns
to Boulder, Colorado we then went again calling on some friends
we then went on a trek in the Colorado Mountain Home National Park
high up in the Rockies on those snowy capped peaks
I surprised a lot of people when I turned up
only wearing trekking sandals, jeans, varsity t-shirt and baseball cap
with thermal boxers underneath of course
it was a bit nippy out for the rest
but like coach Lubboch from Eight is Enough
I could probably sweat in a snowstorm's wake
we actually wanted to hunt we even got a hunting gun
no license needed unlike messy handguns
but alas the limit for that season was reached
we just enjoyed the beauty of nature's treat
then it was the long long way back
down central USA through Elvis Presley's home
in Memphis, Tennesee we stopped for a look see
later driving back through the highways' hoops
through Cherry Point MACS we completed the loop
Semper Fidelis a thoughtful collection of words
turning back into Miami through Florida hinterland
It was home for a while but now is the time to graduate
to pack up and leave to give back our service to nation and country
I graduated in '98 holding a BBA in Computer Information Systems
unlike some friends who chose to stay I and a few took the road home
in timely fashion too, days after I was gone on the wings of great Boeing
Florida and Miami was hit by a hurricane violent lucky me
we have had close calls before but never an evacuation order
so I bid farewell to Dan Marino, to Miami Dolphins
leaving Janet Reno and the Florida Panthers
feeling the last of Miami Heats, Biscayne Bay au revoir
I cheered my last for the teams Hurricanes of UM
hope they will continue to bludgeon the FSU Seminoles and FIU Gators both
A 'Cane once and forever will, I still receive alumni news now and then
though I may not be wielding those crossed warning flags hence
once home to Malaysia I did quite well
off the hook from repayment my scholarship was confirmed
I made the grade just made the cut, having grades as good as promised
then I started to apply for a career to start
raring to go and serve my nation
oh! the ambitions that I had then
but as I was setting my finances in order I discovered my inheritence
a small collection of investments to each sibling from my late father
just enough if properly distributed to allow me to survive without labors
of course I am living with my mother then
another advantage I presumed upon
so upon that light my job application began to thin out
as I live the live of a gentleman gamer and idle net surfer
without an expensive girlfriend no car nor house
no payments at all except for remittance of transfers
some utilities computer games and net surcharge
I was indeed a gentleman of leisure minus the titles and lands
on the sidelines I took up direct sales marketing to help trim my bills
somewhat like an Avon lady but I was the CNI man
premium household products was my part-time game
all in all I was enjoying myself but not growing in any meaningful anyway
except for my excellent example of award winning couch potato physique
two years past hence till my mother began to sound
the warning bells of concern as well as the expectancy of a daughter in-law
my older sister was already married and I was somewhat next in line
the year 2000 it was the new millenium as I was forced to get off my bum
and start out on my own not quite! I found another refuge
from my family home in Penang I moved on to the Klang Valley
in the state of Selangor near the Malaysian Federal Capital of Kuala Lumpur
this time with my sister I stayed paying rent in grocery bills
some utilities when I afford and in dinner out on me some rare nights
plus I am also the officially appointed baby sitter for my two rowdy nephews
and I add to that household chores and my favourite the dishwash duty
I stewed on for a while
but was later recruited by a relative of my brother in-law
conscripted into service in his real estate development company
thus began my paid career my jaunt into the world of the working man
I was in sales at first but I lack the cutting edge
I sold only four houses I think
so later I handled customer care management
doing relatively well for I am a nice guy
people seem more inclined to talk to me
in pleasing tones without the need for machetes
I handled the collection of ten percent down payments
and explaining our late projects
to our many many customers
quite a touchy issue it was
later I moved on to project market planning
and then on to project management
I was quite happy at first nearly doubling my pay in a year
ending up finally in management
the senior exec. serving below directors
but real estate was a touchy thing it grates on the very nerves
and I had to leave in the end it seemed that escape was my only cue
curtains down I exited stage left so ends my first working career
but I guess before I go on I need to explain this momentous event
that happened when I was working in my first career
herein my experience I met by chance
with an event that will change me as a man
it was during the first days in the firm that I was given an order
a training I was told to attend paid out of my own pocket too
authoritarian I was very sure but to keep my job I had to go
Asiaworks was it called an iffy type training based on experiental learning
large group awareness training was this genre called
I was a veteren of camps and trainings galore with a dissembling mind
so I was very confident striding into training for nothing fazes me!
I even took sociology and psychology in my college days
even ended up director of the college psychological exhibition
not to mention a trained peer counselor to boot yes! I know the tricks
I was ready indeed a veteran
the survivor of two Nation Building Camps ran by ex-commandos
Tiger Woods I may be not
but mentally tough I think I have got to some degree
the first stage the Basic was a piffy little thing
I did not even break a sweat
though I had to improvise a lot and acted out scripts that I prepared
to try and fit in with the crowd
I did quite well it seem
the trainer was a guy called Ken Ito I think
nothing major they just wanted people to realize how cheery the world is
despite the many troubles we impose upon
I somewhat disagree but it was sound enough
and it was here that I saw a girl that for some reason caught my eye
never really felt love before but this girl had all the makings
I never even knew why but I was hooked post hence
what a teaser this training was
both to love and to the real training that awaits
when Basic was over they asked us to sign into Advance
those that want to that is by now the training had no dues to me
in my mind was that girl I saw
so I signed up to continue despite misgivings galore
what can I do too shy to ask her number
my only chance was to follow her through training
so into Advance I rushed
headlong into the hands of a trainer named Mark Hampstead
a former top brass at Nestle or was it Johnson & Johnson
he was a tough son of a gun
here I met my bane my descend
into the dreaded pits of questionings and self estuary
partly faked partly real I trudged along in this dismal hell
my scripted tales and rehearsed parts began to suffer for lack of direction
I guess I was forced to learn a thing or two improvisations and such
some of the training here I get others I hate till today oh! that dreadful Mark
but here I learn to question my wastrel ways
and thought of my former ambitions
I did started out wanting to change the world
before I was blunted by bitter cynicism
Advance was hell but it touched a sore spot
and I got to spend time in a group
with that girl I was talking about
Advance ended and we graduated I even got my contract with the world
"I am a loving, powerful and honest man"...indeed
quite real I guess, even enjoyed the task but my guards are up
my armor reformed immediately upon my return
alas I was still shy the lady I followed is still clueless
guess what another call up, to LP or Leadership Program this time
and guess what I signed up, following that lady again
LP38 was our name and our motto was "Love Brightens The World"
would you believe it I came up with that phrase! Hah! if there ever was
my LP days was an eye opener of sorts
but I was never honest so my goals were none-existant
dare I say that my sole goal was to get the girl?
never! not in a million years
so I made up a list of achievements that I think would look good
pacifying my mentor and fellow group members
ahh our small group...we were called the "The Silverhawks" after the cartoon
nine people of various ages, multi-races and diverse backgrounds
LP was nice in a way, I even achieved some of my minor fake goals all's well
in three months that followed I even met some good good friends
the likes of which I can only find before in long time childhood friends
such is the value of their friendships that great grouping of souls
when the LP ended I was bouyed for a while
floating upon the energy of my past months triumphs
but I was still shy for a spell so the lady will have to wait a while
but in other things I moved on along changed my job to a second career
this a position less senior with a company more smaller
but in a company that size I was again basically running the place
handling operations for my boss
whose mastery was trade and business contracts
if anyone could sell ice cubes to eskimos my new boss was probably could
such cunning debonair that he liked to fashion himself a legal conman
selling real goods but with such flair as making people do his bidding
I was paid lesser but I looked at it as a training position
my lever into learning the intricacies of trade
and the politics of business
I did learned a lot even got a beautiful secretary
another reason to stay in office
I got unlimited claims in the conduct of duties
and a petty cash expense account that I monitor and refill
the perks of the job did I mention the lovely secretary?
my only complain was that every corespondent and every letter
I have to dictate word for word, I guess I was always a little fussy
when it comes to the words written on paper I expect a certain quality
error I myself still make but I expect flair as well as styling tips
after operations I moved up a notch
handling research and conceptual designs
paving the way for my boss's foray into his trades into his deals
nice thing it was for I got involved in many things
locomotives once and then marine diesel parts
vegetable one day even fire extinguishers sometimes
then he came in with a bullet proof vest that he threw on my lap
"wear it" he says we are going to the gunnery range to test this out!!!
other days it could be prawns, oysters or just plain fish
one day I was even asked to to look for tanks and mobile bridge
another it was a used plane fuselage for anti-terrorist drills
I even had the task once of writing the proposals for government buildings
such varied tasks and wonderful times preparing myself for my own business
but then this house of cards by a gust of wind knocked out
falling to pieces and dissappearing to rubble heaps
firstly was my foray into love
after months of building courage I finally tested the waters
asking the lady that I have blindly followed
and telling her of my love that I hold her dear
alas she said I was just a friend this to me a mortal blow
I brood and brood for days on end losing the bravado that I once present
maybe I should have pursued her more but my attempts at courting her
from that day forth never bore fruit nor even any glimmer of promise stood
I was hurt wounded and lost in the dreary aftermath
the second stage of my downfal is my interesting but demanding job
I am called upon almost twenty four seven every hours in all possible use
it could be that I am the dim-wit but before me my predecessor did quit
and I found out later that after I left two of my successors did too quit
maybe I could not handle the strain or is my boss demanding too much?
but in all he was a good friend who was earnest in teaching me the ropes
but I guess few people can stand him at hand other than as a friend
indeed so broken was I that I no longer has any passion for work at all
alas now the geography of my life has left me here
stranded upon this spreadeded map
marooned in despair full of defeat
tired and burnt out in a crisis mid strife
a hermit I became hiding in retreat in the shadows of the mountains
far inland and in valleys deep
but even hermits has expenses and my savings have nearly run out
spent on the training, on a car and the expensive habits
of in-city living during my working days
so I am back to being a job seeker of sorts
filling out job applications now and then
a struggling freelance writer sometimes
I had a few jobs beforehand doing write-ups for people
I even went in to help out my former boss when he had a heart attack
then a few projects here and there but now its trickling out
I have a few books in the pipeline but nothing major yet
so before I can start pitching my tales to publishers
I must await my works endings
I have a few great ideas but nothing concrete
a starving poet aspirant at times
my love of poetry and indeed the written word runs truly deep
but I have never been quite as prolific as I am now
so I write poetry now and then crying out my heart
the only way I know how to
nursing my hurts healing my wounds
some people thinks its nice some people don't agree
but I guess it helps me
and it is a dream of mine to be a published poet of name
still here and I am still hoping to see
this is my life I guess
a slice of the tale that I have lived
but in all no regrets for whatever happened
I have found again my dream of dreams
in my dreams I am
poet warrior
philosopher king
perchance my words and thoughts will live on
to be spoken by men still unborn
in tounges yet still unknown
and in countries yet still unnamed
if you would permit me
to paraphrase Shakespear
in his telling of the play Julius Caesar
to be immortal if not in person
then in thoughts and spirit
for every utterance of my words
are the telling of my name
the markers of my place
in that undying place
in the minds of women and men
even perhaps inside their hearts of hearts
this is a dream I have
this is my life I guess
beyond that I leave to faith
and to my god Allah Allmighty.
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