Looking Back (The Confessions of The Lonely Man)
- Sunday, October 30, 2005
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I looked back to the days before
wanting to call them my wasted years
yet I know that this might not have been
if those days I have never seen
the love I chose to be my reason
the lady that I never tried to know
this mistake that I have chosen
to placate my fear, my precious ego
the friends I lost to time and season
functionally ignored with strict indifference
unanswered phonecalls, unreplied correspondence
not wanting to care nor add my burdens
the moments I stood behind my curtain
holding back feelings and raw emotions
leaving words unsaid, thoughts unspoken
understanding unshared, intentions unbidden
the time I spent in lonely requiem
hiding behind intellectual passions
buried within historic achievements
counting past wrongs in quiet vengeance
the family I kept at length, at bay
those who have never given up on me
who never knew my heart's mystery
to whom I am still a stranger today
the God to whom I forgo to defray
obesiance in kind for His general benevolance
Whose gifts has bestowed unto little me
the benefit of such intelligence
the darkness in which my days are spent
the hopeless solitude of infinite chagrin
the gloomy moments of unrequited dreams
the lonely days when no one understands
My heart is glad, those days are done
though I find it hard to feel regrets
for all that I was, am and have been
are characterized by such vignettes
I found myself within those days
reminders of hope and love's refrain
of kindness that melts the coldest heart
a gentle succour in times of need
I never believed within myself
until those that do pointed out to me
the embers of love that still survive
within the blizzard that lie within
I did not look for another day
hope to me was a forgotten dream
until I found that special way
of a mother who still believes in her son
faith was a crutch I used to stand
propping up beliefs in fate and chance
ashamed and in tears I was to find
that Allah is always in my stead
friends I found who stood the odds
without benefit of my attention
those who stood with me throughout
just to see my smile's return
Love was by me unappreciated
calling it my "foolish reason"
until I lost forever the lady that mattered
I know now that love must be earned
I stand now upon this treshold
as I look back, quiet and humble
of all my plans and careful choices
in the hands of Allah lies my salvation.
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