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Looking Back (The Confessions of The Lonely Man)


I looked back to the days before
wanting to call them my wasted years
yet I know that this might not have been
if those days I have never seen

the love I chose to be my reason
the lady that I never tried to know
this mistake that I have chosen
to placate my fear, my precious ego

the friends I lost to time and season
functionally ignored with strict indifference
unanswered phonecalls, unreplied correspondence
not wanting to care nor add my burdens

the moments I stood behind my curtain
holding back feelings and raw emotions
leaving words unsaid, thoughts unspoken
understanding unshared, intentions unbidden

the time I spent in lonely requiem
hiding behind intellectual passions
buried within historic achievements
counting past wrongs in quiet vengeance

the family I kept at length, at bay
those who have never given up on me
who never knew my heart's mystery
to whom I am still a stranger today

the God to whom I forgo to defray
obesiance in kind for His general benevolance
Whose gifts has bestowed unto little me
the benefit of such intelligence

the darkness in which my days are spent
the hopeless solitude of infinite chagrin
the gloomy moments of unrequited dreams
the lonely days when no one understands

My heart is glad, those days are done
though I find it hard to feel regrets
for all that I was, am and have been
are characterized by such vignettes

I found myself within those days
reminders of hope and love's refrain
of kindness that melts the coldest heart
a gentle succour in times of need

I never believed within myself
until those that do pointed out to me
the embers of love that still survive
within the blizzard that lie within

I did not look for another day
hope to me was a forgotten dream
until I found that special way
of a mother who still believes in her son

faith was a crutch I used to stand
propping up beliefs in fate and chance
ashamed and in tears I was to find
that Allah is always in my stead

friends I found who stood the odds
without benefit of my attention
those who stood with me throughout
just to see my smile's return

Love was by me unappreciated
calling it my "foolish reason"
until I lost forever the lady that mattered
I know now that love must be earned

I stand now upon this treshold
as I look back, quiet and humble
of all my plans and careful choices
in the hands of Allah lies my salvation.
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No Gun Ri

Blinded by haze
red haze!
Obscured by fog
war fog!

"Kill'em all!"
"Shoot everything!"

And as the 7th Cavalry aims
men, women and children all
Korean war refugee train
are rushed into the fall.

And as the hammer drops
firing pin springs
bullets leap, shells explode
civilian lives are spent.

Thus lie the bodies
broken, bloodied, refrained
victims of wrongful deaths
with recompense detained.
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To Steal A Kiss

When I loved you
you were the first
soo many things to say
yet not knowing the words

I looked for a way
wished for the sentence
all for me to say
what my heart really yearns

alas my vision dimmed
my thoughts are furled
my very being trapped
within a silence unstirred

all I see is your hair
that the wind so carelessly blew
I wish it were my fingers
in your tresses dancing through

all I see are your eyes
doing that thing that they do
as they dance that special tango
shining with that special light of you

all I see is your smile
from those lovey lovely lips
for which I would die
to feel the brush of each

all I hear is your voice
which holds me to your sway
oh! such tender melodies
that once only seraphin played

so I stopped at hello
and said my goodbyes
for the lovely lady that was you
always left me tounge-tied

but I wish it were now
and you are here reading this
for my heart still do yearn
to steal from you a kiss.
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A Trail of Stars

There is a trail of stars that leads me here,
to this glorious place of happy summers.

For in thine eyes I see a spring,
the beginnings of love and better things.

Upon thy lips a smile the warmth of a thousand suns,
that even in winter climes keeps me warm and fine.

I want to dance and dance in the windy summer breeze,
so that I can become one with those that your tresses breathe.

I want to climb the clouds and be just like the rain,
so that I can fall upon and caress your lovely skin.
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Once Upon A Memory

Oh, I remember the memories
under the sweet sun of Tuscany
through the cobbled streets of Paris
during that springtime reverie

as we explored all the echoes
the bright lights of Monte Carlo
wetting our feet in tepid shallows
on sandy beaches of Riviera narrows

the breeze that blew your hair askew
those raven tresses that loveliness drew
and those kisses from lips of thine
tasted as the sweetest Bourdeux wine.
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By The Silent Window

I sit alone, by the silent window.
watching the dance, of falling rain.
The raindrops echo, my tears of sorrow.
That accompanies, my waltz of pain.

A freezing breeze, of absent harmony.
Sings the loneliness, of a tango by one.
It's empty chorus, a hollow melody.
The imperfections, of steps out of rhyme.

The staccato beats, of tempo has died.
it's flame and rhythm, it's warmth is gone.
The heart's metronome, is stilled by ice.
It's love forgotten, as once-popular songs.

All that's left, an abandoned dance floor.
Grey with dust, with notes of broken dreams.
Of hope bereft, it's dances done for.
Into the dusk, with echoes of might have beens.
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Wish

I have long wished for this
cold featured anonymity,
a hermit's lonely gist
and solitary dignity.

yet encased within such forms
hidden behind thought and scorn,
it is terrible to be alone
a vision that is truely forlorn.

I guess it's true as it was said
be careful in what you wish for,
if there is anything of which I did
this is where regret comes to fore.
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Those Haunting Eyes

From the first I saw
those haunting eyes,
ever was I drawn
to their haunted stare.

Deeper and deeper
did I drown,
within their depths
of pooled eclairs.

Delicious pools
of ice-blue mien,
as cool breezes
sensual and sly.

Like a siren's song
a succubi's sigh,
seducing attention
from this mortal's eye.
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In The Darkened Candlelight

I stayed out all alone
in the darkened candlelight
left there on my own
to languish in my plight.

Hiding in the shadows
are cold uneaten meals
what remains of lost echoes
of what used to be real.

A single rose still stands
in the vase of what was
but it is blackened to the stem
a symbol of hurt and loss.

I sat there all alone
at a table meant for two
crying on my own
upon memories of you.

In the darkened candlelight
as it danced its faded gleam
I cried out my bleeding heart
at the loss of hope and dream.
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The Memory of You

Ever would I remember
the times of we together
though it's better to forget
your memory holds me back.

Long have I suffered
in dreams I often whispered
but it lives within memory
our piece of love's history.

Looking always for a reason
to forget all the seasons
but still I do remember
the times of we together.

You were my first and still the one
oh how I wish for it then
though I have ever since moved on
my heart still often sings your song.

Now and then, forever on
my heart is no longer only my own
for a piece of me has gone astray
along with you as you went away.

Ever still I will remember
all the times of we together
to whatever fate that I am due
I bring always the memory of you.
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The Throne of Tears

As I sit upon this throne
across this great divide,
upon this frozen ocean
dead dreams, emotional discards.

I see not the distant shore
long lost are hope's embrace,
for the darkness seeps more and more
as the light is slowly displaced.

Gone are the summer's warmth
in this bleak and frozen landscape,
the cold and frigid storms
from which there is no escape.

Oh how I reach up for the sun
but gloomy clouds get in the way,
deep within this lonely clime
as penance perhaps I have to stay.
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Out Cold

I am out cold
by the roadside
in the rain
shivering my pains
punched out by life
left to freeze
on my own
without recourse
just a mountain of doubts.

They shut me out
life did
left me behind
aimless upon land
sinking upon seas
alone within this pit
a bottomless abyss
to suffer without bliss
in the darkness of hate.

It was a drastic fall
the calamity complete
no one to understand my thoughts
nor any to catch my fall
but a long, long drop
off the edge
into the endless nights
lonely days
the empty sadness in between.

I am bleeding life
yet no one cares
no one dared
no one to find me
thus I remain
ever lost
ever always
in this maze
the labyrinthine hallways.

What one may ask
in life a chance
to find redemption
or a place to rest
a home to belong to
a trade or repast
a love to cling to
understanding at best
some happiness due
and peace at mind.

But I am out cold
punched out by life
left out in the rain
to shiver in my pains
shut out by the world
I find no repast
no meager understanding
nor a measure of rest
left alone to fall
into the darkest pit
I remain withall
hurt,bleeding,
lost and incomplete.
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Happiness

There is a place,
Beyond even the reach of kings,
For which the rich,
Would give their everything,

A distant vale,
Within the shrouds of fate,
Behind high clouds,
Upon destiny's dictates,

Governed not by need,
Nor by just desserts,
But by the random thrusts,
And wit of life's inserts,

Lucky is the one,
Who finds these hallowed halls,
Which eludes even those who followed,
Step by step in all,

Happiness is the name,
Contentment this place,
That most elusive bliss,
Upon only a few its grace.
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Memories

As softly as a whisper, borne upon the breeze.
As sweetly as a kiss, from a lover's loving lips.
As gently as a touch, aflamed by passion's lust.
As lovely as it is, to feel what love invests.

To dimly remember, the tales of yesterdays.
To dearly discover, the feel of love's embrace.
To verily forever, lose a part of you.
To luckily recover, the smiles long lost to youth.

Memories of old, that lives on in tides.
Friendships of past, the lives that I have touched.
Loves and lovers lost, those who touched my heart.
Peoples I have met, the world that gave me much.

Upon these fecund fields, a seed did sprout.
upon those lovely years, a tale throughout.
Upon this veil of time, embroided by constellations.
Upon the stretch of years, remembered and forgotten.
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It Was Paris For Us Then

It was a moment carved in time
by the dilligent hands of fate
chip by chip, delicately sublime
engraved by memory's dictate.

It was Paris for us then
in the summer when mine eyes met thine
as we walk on hand in hand
by the bridges of the river Seine.

Upon the cobbled well-loved streets
we pound our footsteps on well-worn stones
as we lived for a while without surfeits
and all we have is this love to atone.

And there it was, the cafe still stands
of all that was, what we were once
a place to visit now and then
when it was Paris for us thence.
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Memorial

"I set it upon the hill overlooking the sea
this memorial to what once was
I am here to.. well.. not to bury it,
but perhaps to accept its conclusion."
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On This Day

If, there is ever a time that I have missed her,
then it is now and compounded by more.
If, I have ever felt of love's succour,
then it is now and it has never been more.

I can see now, as I never saw then,
the foolishness of my half-hearted endeavour.
I know now, what I never knew then,
that love is a place you have to discover.

Love is not a right, nor a privileged favor,
it is earned by deeds and perhaps a little more,
Love can't be forced, nor coerced if ever,
it is a gift given and received per fore.

It is strange, that I realise this,
on the very day, that I accepted its release,
It was a dream, this vision of bliss,
on all her love, I have decided to appease.

But on this day, I have set her free,
from this prison, my misguided love has built,
But on this day, I miss her more readily,
from this token, I have won no victory.
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There Is A Nymph Beyond My Gate

I have walked these lonely battlements
for as long as I have known
arrayed, encased in heavy armour
that in mind, as if forever.

Atop a solitary hill that I call home
in a weary castle all my own
behind a self-dug moat of freezing waters
where swims memories of lost, dreary winters.

Entrenched behind silent, brooding towers
surrounded by walls indifferent to censure
in a keep, dark, forbidding and tall
with barred doors and shuttered windows all.

Until that sepulchred moment on a comely breeze
floats that hint of laughter and happiness' gist
the pitter patter of delicately dancing feet
upon fresh grasses in such melodious beats.

So it was that very hour, the changing of my guard
this persistant rumour dances all day this way and that
that I could not but wonder, perhaps and why
maybe I should dare to discover, what it is by and by.

Upon a day I did just that
I took a peek quickly outside
and my eyes does ravel in the delight
the sweet dancing gaits of a sweet nymph's respite.

Tall she was, dainty and compact
a beauteous vision which does tender my heart
as I stood transfixed upon my wall
watching this unfold, song, dance and all.

But then she glanced and smiled at me
and just as suddenly skipped to the trees
though I vainly looked for her dance and sight
never did I find any trails on her part.

That was the last I saw of her
though her promise of joy did surround and linger
as I return alone behind my walls
I thought of hope and the promise beyond my halls.
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Standing Still

I have stood here
well before
stayed a while
remaining all along
I remember how
I came to be
when I arrived
and still remain
I am here
ever since
still here
standing still.

looking around
things evolve
people change
nothing remains
no one does
nothing will
times change
fate's refrain
but I am here
in this place
upon the same
standing still.

with every step
of every feet
I will return
to the same
to this place
to this game
no matter how
which way or when
in the end
I am here again
standing still.

Everything I do
everyone I meet
every dream I have
every hope I tried
every bit of me
all of it will be
soon and always
come again
to this very place
to this now and then
everything will end
with me right here
standing still.
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